Ahead of the Curve - Chapter 20: What is Easy and What is Desired (nosex)

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Chapter 20: What is Easy and What is Desired

I walked behind Rainey as we went in to see Joyce. For the moment, I swallowed all the depressing parts of what I must soon say to my girlfriend and put on a mask for everyone's benefit.

"Oh, Rainey," Joyce said, a cannula in her nose which attached to the oxygen port behind the bed, "so nice to see you. And Darren!"

I moved closer so that Joyce could give me her typical hug, this one weaker than usual, though the woman ensured I knew how much she enjoyed seeing me with her long embrace.

"How are you feeling, Joyce?" Rainey asked from the other side of the bed.

"Oh, like spoiled pickles, I suppose," the woman replied, "but I'll be fine. Just a little thing today, they tell me."

"Can we do anything for you?" Rainey asked. I didn't miss that we included me.

"Not a thing, my dear. Herman's going to stay with me tonight. Perhaps he might like a meal brought up, if you would be so kind."

"I'll be glad to get you something," I said, "any preferences?"

Herman shrugged from his seat nearby, "Oh, just a plain ole hamburger and fries, I guess. Whatever Joyce might like."

"They'll bring mine around in an hour or two, I hear," said Joyce.

"You still like George's burgers?" I asked Herman, the greasy grill's food being something we had consumed together a few times over the years.

"Sure," Herman replied, "always did like George and his wife. You remember what I get?"

"Tomato, pickle, mayo?"

"That's the ticket," he said.

"I'll go fetch it now."

Rainey said, "I'll come with you."

"Uh, no," I protested lightly, "no need to rush off so quickly. I'll go. Besides, don't you have to get to work soon?"

"Oh, right," the disappointment in her voice was there even if carefully covered, "I'll just chat with Joyce a bit before leaving, then... So I'll see you this weekend, Darren?"

My lips grew taught and I could feel Herman's eyes on me when I said, "Maybe... I've, uh... I've got some things to take care of, might be busy..."

"Oh... Well... I love you."

I smiled a tight smile and nodded, then ducked out of the room before I burst out with some version of the truth.

- - -

Rainey was gone by the time I brought Herman his dinner, and I made an excuse to leave soon thereafter, wishing Joyce well and letting them know I'd keep an eye on Audrey. I was certain Herman had already told Joyce about us when she said, "She's strong in many ways, Darren, but you being there for her... it helps her be strong at heart, too..."

It was after four when I got home and I sat on the couch a few minutes, trying to form a plan regarding Rainey. Nothing much came together, so I went next door and knocked. Audrey met me in the same pajamas and ushered me inside.

After I sat down, I could tell she had been crying. "You okay?"

Audrey nodded. "I broke up with Travis... he's... he's being way too nice about it."

"What did you tell him?"

"I sent him a text saying we needed to talk and he called me immediately. I just said... I just said I needed some space and that I couldn't see the world the way he did, that... him shaming me after... after we're together... was too much."

"And?"

"And," Audrey continued, "he said he understood and didn't hate me and wished we could work it out. He said he loved me, Darren... I think he means it..."

I sat quietly, trying, unsuccessfully, to come up with a reply.

"Anyway... it's done," she said. "How, uh... how did things go with Rainey?"

I shrugged. "It wasn't the time to talk to her..."

She just nodded and sat silently, staring out the window.

"I will, Audrey. I promise."

"I know..."

"I don't want to start this again without setting that right first... I don't know what to tell her..."

"Tell her the truth. Isn't that what you insisted I do all those months ago? Tell the truth?"

"It's not that easy," I replied, "I can't tell her about you... about Tokyo... That seems cruel to me, unnecessarily so... she deserves better than knowing I cheated on her... and... you're sixteen..."

"Yeah... that... I wish I was older and that wasn't a big deal..."

"I know," I said, "but that's the way it is... I can't just tell her there's someone else and that you have my heart... that you've had it the whole time..."

"I know what that feels like..."

I took Audrey's hand and held it a moment. "Let's... let's do this right, okay? Let me figure things out with Rainey. I don't want to hurt her, but..."

"But you're going to hurt her when you tell her its over."

"Yes."

"I feel bad for all this, Darren... I feel bad for her..."

"I do too... I hate that it happened like this. She's a nice person. But... but she's not you..."

Audrey looked at me evenly then slowly smiled, "Thank you..."

"For what?"

"For thinking of me so highly... I need that right now..."

"You're the best, Audrey... I can't feel any other way..."

"So," she said, exhaling, "what now?"

"Well," I said gently, "for right now... we're... taking it slow until I can end things with Rainey... Let's not poison our relationship with the remains of my old one... I promise I'll figure it out very soon. This week. Tomorrow, maybe... But... for today..."

"For today we're just friends..."

"I think that's best..."

Audrey nodded, squeezing my hand, "I can't wait until what's best is you and me being together... forever."

"Me, too," I assured her. "Me, too."

- - -

My daughters were home around seven-thirty and after a quick greeting and checking up on Joyce's condition, Gwen and Vic disappeared into bedrooms before one or the other went to bathe. I'd spent a couple of hours with Audrey, sitting together but sharing nothing further while we talked about baseball and college and all the things her future held. It was amazing how quickly we settled back into what it might mean for her and me to be together, how, despite the many challenges we would face, we would be together to face the world. We talked about her age and the ways we'd need to carefully work around that issue, how she would certainly have to do things school-related without me since we couldn't risk anyone finding out about us until she was seventeen.

It wasn't an easy conversation on the surface, but talking with Audrey, our future together being planned, was easy. We just clicked as a team, as partners. It was like falling back in with an old friend you'd missed dearly for years and then suddenly you found yourselves together as if no time had passed between meetings. As much as I'd enjoyed my time and conversations with Rainey, I'd never felt so at ease with anyone but Audrey. Our age difference was not an issue when we talked about our dreams and fears and did so with an understanding that we were once again facing the world together.

Together, sort of, at least. There was still Rainey to deal with. And I needed to talk to my daughters, as well. I expected that latter conversation might go a lot better than the very first time the subject of my relationship with Audrey had been discussed.

The girls bounded into the living room and stood staring at me. "What's for dinner?"

I smiled evenly, "I thought two capable teens might be able to figure that out for themselves tonight... I've been a little busy."

"Hmph," Vic pouted though she couldn't hide her grin, "nothing to eat in this house."

"You know how to change that."

"Yeah, but if I suggest it, I have to pay for it."

"Exactly."

The girls huddled and exchanged whispered words I couldn't make out, then Gwen said, "We want to order a pizza."

"Good idea."

"Even on a school night?" Vic asked. Usually, our ordering out was limited to Fridays and Saturdays, sometimes Sundays as well. I preferred to teach my daughters some restraint in such things, hoping they would value the opportunities for take out more if they were less available. But that night, I didn't feel like arguing, and honestly, a hot pizza someone else made sounded pretty good to me.

"Yeah, just this once," I replied. "Tell you what. I'll pay tonight, but I want you to order an extra one and invite Audrey over if she'd like. She could use some company... and... when you've ordered, both of you come in here. I want to talk to you..."

"Oookay," Gwen replied as the two left the living room.

Five minutes later, Vic returned and said, "Pizza's ordered. I texted Audrey but she didn't respond yet."

"Thanks... Where's Gwen?"

"On the phone with her boooy-friend."

"Ah."

"What's up?" Vic asked as she plopped onto the couch.

"I want to wait for your sister."

"Alright," my youngest daughter replied. "Is this about Joyce?"

"No."

"Rainey?"

"Wait for your sister."

It took another few minutes before Gwen joined us. I muted the television. "So... I want you both to know that... Audrey and I are wishing to see each other again."

I saw Vic's eyes widen but she didn't say anything.

Gwen asked, "So what about Rainey?"

"I'm working on that..."

"You haven't broken up with her yet?"

"No... I... This is hard to do..."

"Ah," Gwen replied. "I feel bad for her..."

"Me too..."

"So when are you going to tell her?" Vic asked.

"Soon. This week. I... I just wanted to know it was okay with you two before... before moving forward with all this..."

Vic replied, "I like Rainey, but... I think you love Audrey most..."

"I do..."

"Okay, then... So be with Audrey, I think..."

"Gwen? Thoughts?"

My eldest daughter stared at her sister a moment, then looked at me. "I just want you to be happy, Dad... If that means you and Audrey... then so be it..."

"I need to know if this is okay, Gwen... I can't risk hurting you again..."

"I'm fine with it. Really. I've... I've come around, I guess..."

"Okay," I said, feeling a measure of relief, "okay..." Looking each girl in the eye, I added, "I want to be sure, alright? I... I love Audrey... and... breaking up with Rainey won't be easy, either... I need to know you both have my back on this..."

"You do," Gwen said, sitting on the arm of the couch next to me. "I promise."

"Me, too," her sister replied, leaning against me and wrapping an arm around my chest.

I hugged Victoria and smiled at Gwen. "Thank you both... Now... I just have to figure out how to break up with Rainey..."

A knock at the door sent Gwen jumping to answer it. I heard her say, "Oh, hi, Audrey."

"Hey Gwen..."

"Come on in!"

I stood and turned to see Audrey come in. She'd changed out of her pajamas and now wore a pair of sweatpants and a green t-shirt. She smiled weakly at me. "Hey, Darren..."

"Hi," I replied, "I, uh... I told them already..."

"Oh... good... Good."

"Pizza should be here before too long."

Audrey stepped into the living room and looked a bit uncertain where to sit. Vic made the decision easier by sliding onto the end of the couch and saying, "Here, have a seat."

Audrey crawled onto the middle, legs underneath her, and I sat down again. For just a moment, I hesitated, somewhat because my daughters were watching, but probably more so due to the fact that I was still technically dating Rainey. But then I offered Audrey my arm and she leaned against me.

It felt more right than anything had in a long time.

"Heard anything more from Joyce?" I asked as I stroked Audrey's arm.

"Grandpa Herman called me a few minutes ago. No real change. She's doing okay. They think she can come home tomorrow."

"That's good to hear."

"Yeah..."

Apparently oblivious to my conversation with Audrey, Vic said, "Can we watch the new Marvel movie? It's on Amazon now..."

I nodded, "Sure... queue it up. I, uh... I'll be right back."

Audrey sat up and I eased off the couch and went to my bathroom, closing myself inside. I stared at the man I saw in the mirror.

I knew the conversation with Rainey couldn't wait. Not for another day. Not now that Audrey and I were so close to being together again. I felt awful for what was happening to Rainey and it was already tainting my relationship with Audrey. As long as the breakup hung over me, there would be no real comfort in holding Audrey in my arms, no matter how right it felt. With my daughters giving me their support, and Audrey so ready to rejoin my life, I had only to reach out to Rainey and let her know it was over. I wanted to do it right that second.

However, I knew she was working, and it seemed like a very dickish thing to do, to call her at her job and break up. It was already going to be a mind fuck, so I swallowed my nerves for a time, determined to talk to her in the morning once her shift was over. It was going to be very difficult, but I knew it had to happen. Letting things linger would only make things worse for both of us.

I peed quickly, then splashed my face with cool water, looking again at the man in the mirror. I didn't think I was such an awful guy, I was just in a situation where what was easy and what was desired were in competition. Staying with Rainey was easy. She loved me, the woman excited to spend any time with me I could spare. I had only to reach out and accept her freely-offered companionship. But what I desired was Audrey, even knowing it meant breaking Rainey's heart and then facing a difficult situation where moving forward with my young love would be complicated and risky. But, I realized as I stared at my reflection, it was the only way to be true to myself, to be honest about what I really wanted in life at that moment. And what I wanted, beyond anything else, was to hold Audrey in my arms forever.

- - -

The pizza and the movie were background to the warmth of Audrey beside me that night. She didn't leave my side except to pee, and even after my daughters went to bed, she leaned against me and dozed. I didn't want to wake her, so I reached for a blanket and pulled it over us and let my young love sleep.

It had been a wearying day for her, I knew. She'd had it worse during the early part of the previous year when her father had been sick and then died, but Joyce was a close part of Audrey's family and having another episode like that, so soon after Duncan's death, must have felt like deja vu in a way.

I knew it was possible that Audrey and I were growing close again around another illness. I knew it might be that, without Joyce's mild heart attack, the trigger for our mutual decisions might never have occurred. A small part of me worried, as I did in the spring, that Audrey's need for comfort and support might have driven her into my arms.

But a better part of my mind felt like that was slighting the young woman's strengths, that Audrey was fully capable of deciding what she wanted in her life. Even before Joyce, it was clear she wanted to be with me. Our rushed mating in Tokyo could have been a mistake born out of frustration and guilt and confusion, but it wasn't. Not for me, and not for Audrey. It was a symptom of our mutual suffering, our pain at being separated. It wasn't perfect, and I held a great deal of guilt for cheating on Rainey, but it was more than a one-night episode. We both knew it, and when the opportunity arose, as sad as it happened to be, we found each other in need of the love we shared that no one else in the world could provide either of us. Rainey was a wonderful woman, and without Audrey I might have fallen deeply in love with her, even married her, perhaps. But Audrey had come into my life, and knowing the young woman had forever changed my perspective. I couldn't go back to the Raineys of the world. It was Audrey or no one for me. I felt sure that Audrey's thoughts were similarly focused on me.

I didn't sleep particularly well. It wasn't all that comfortable the way I was seated on the couch, but I was unwilling to disturb Audrey and so I took heart in the simple act of holding her and keeping her warm.

Morning arrived at some point, the sunlight appearing not long after I heard my daughters stirring and getting ready for school. I knew Audrey would need to do the same, so, as much as I would have preferred to let her sleep, I whispered, "Audrey? It's morning..."

She blinked her eyes, lost a moment before her vision cleared. The sixteen-year old yawned. "Hey... Morning already?"

I nodded and said, "Can I make you some breakfast? Gwen and Vic are already up."

"S-sure... Didn't... uh... I didn't mean to sleep here... After what we decided... I... I'm sorry," Audrey said quietly, "I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine," I replied, "more than fine... I loved holding you... I want nothing else in the world than to hold you..."

Audrey offered me a weary smile then said, "Need to pee..." She stretched and went down the hall, then returned, "Occupied... can I use yours?"

I nodded and she disappeared into my bedroom. I stretched, bones feeling particularly sore and stiff after spending the night in unusual positions. I made coffee and slipped some frozen waffles into the toaster oven, pulling out syrup, butter, whipped cream, and a half-pint of blackberries.

Audrey came into the kitchen first and said, "I really need to go get my school clothes... I'll be back... uh... Darren?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you give me a ride to school? I left my car there yesterday and forgot about it..."

"Sure... and I'll see about getting it started again. Just leave me the keys, if you want."

"Okay."

She left my house and my daughters joined me for a quick breakfast, both in reasonably good moods. That could be hit or miss in the mornings. Sometimes they were cheerful, sometimes cranky, often still half-asleep. This was one of the good ones.

"So, Audrey stayed here last night?" Gwen asked between mouthfuls of syrupy waffles.

"She did... she slept on the couch with me..."

"Oh... cool. Does she need a ride to school? I could leave early and take her..."

"Actually, yes. I was going to do it, but... There's... there's something I need to take care of this morning..."

"Rainey?" Vic asked quietly.

I nodded and didn't reply.

"Good luck, Dad..."

"Thanks..."

- - -

Gwen took off with Audrey and Victoria a few minutes after Audrey returned wearing a loose maroon t-shirt and a pair of black denim jeans, her hair brushed out and a bit wet from what I assumed was a 'sink shower' as Gwen called it. I had Audrey's keys in my pocket as I paced around the kitchen, trying to find the nerve to call Rainey. I knew she would have gotten home a bit earlier, almost certainly still awake.

Part of me felt bad that I was going to do this over the phone, but I didn't have the nerve to go see her. That, to me, seemed like a chance to offer false hope and the promise of negotiations. Over the phone, it was less personal but also less open to discussion. My stomach felt sour, my brain thick, as I finally punched Rainey's contact number on my phone.

"Hey, Darren!" her voice was much too enthusiastic for that time of day.

"Hey," I replied, the defeat in my voice surely obvious.

It was.

"What's wrong? Is Joyce okay?"

"She's well, coming home today," I said, "Listen... Rainey... We need to talk... about us..."

"Oooh-kaaay..." I could tell she caught the thick hint of darkness in my tone in the way she drew out the vowels.

My voice caught a moment and I choked on my words, then I took a deep breath and finally squeezed out, "I think... I think you and I are wanting different things for us right now... I think you see something in us that I don't. I feel like it would be wrong of me to continue to see you when I don't feel for you what you feel for me..."

There was dead silence on the other end. I waited for a reply.

"Are you breaking up with me, Darren?" Rainey's voice was tight but controlled.

"Y-yes..."

More silence.

"Because of Tokyo?"

My stomach turned over and clenched. Did she know about me and Audrey? "Uh... what?"

"Because... because I hated Tokyo? Is that it?"

"I... No... No, it's more than Tokyo... I... I didn't even know you didn't enjoy it..."

I heard her voice loosen and emotion was thick in her words, "I'm not comfortable in strange places... I went because... because I loved you and wanted to spend that week with you, but... I hated being there... I kept to the room... not because of my period. God knows I've had worse and done fine... I just... I wanted to come home so badly..."

"I didn't know..."

"I... I didn't say anything because... you and your girls were having such a good time. I didn't want you to think less of me for hating being so far from home..."

"I don't... I didn't..."

"So," she said evenly, perhaps a bit more in control, "if not for that... then what do you mean?"

I took a deep breath. "You love me."

"I do... you know this!" Her voice had risen and become a touch agitated. "I've told you over and over I love you!"

"And... you never thought it odd that I never said that to you?"

Silence again, then, "It hurt after a while..."

I couldn't tell Rainey the real reasons it had to end between us. I certainly wasn't going to mention Audrey, and the fact that I couldn't feel for her what she felt for me seemed like a mean way to explain myself. Instead, I latched on to her mention of Tokyo. Perhaps it was blame-shifting in a post-hoc rationalization, but to me in that moment, it seemed like the most kind way to move forward.

"Maybe it's Tokyo, in a sense," I said as calmly as I could. "I love to travel, Rainey. I love to try new things and go new places and meet new people. Maybe there was a sense of that over our weeks together... maybe I felt like we wouldn't have enough in common around such things..."

"I would have tried, Darren," she said, her voice soft and weak. Rainey might have been sobbing, but I couldn't hear it. "For you... I would have tried..."

"I know," I replied, nearing tears myself, "but that seems unfair... for both of us..."

"I love you... even after hearing this... I love you..."

"I know," I said as my heart sank. "I'm so sorry..."

The conversation slid back into silence for a minute or so, then Rainey told me, "I guess this is goodbye, then..."

"Yes..."

"This sucks," she said, clearly crying now, "this just fucking sucks!"

"I'm so sorry," I repeated.

After soft sobbing was the only sound I heard, she added, "Then... goodbye."

"Goodbye, Rainey... You're amazing, honestly... you're amazing..."

"Not amazing enough, I suppose..."

The line disconnected and I stood, shaking, soon leaning against the counter and crying freely, not just because of the guilt and my empathy for her. Even as bad as I felt about Rainey and how much she hurt, I had an enormous sense of relief. Selfish, I know, but to have put the end to one relationship so that I could embrace another was selfishly what I wanted. What I needed. Rainey suffered only because I loved Audrey. It wasn't her fault. It was all mine, and despite that gnawing guilt, the pain I'd caused Rainey, I wouldn't have had it any other way.